I'm Such a Mess.

So today two of my friends came to visit me and Declan. They're getting married next month and I am SO ecstatic. Sarah was my roommate for a semester in college and she had to put up with me and my mess.

I'm a messy person. I love to say I'm organized, and I am, when it comes to important things like work and appointments; however, when it comes to real-life stuff like being neat, clean, and orderly, I suck. I suck real hard. I couldn't keep my room clean to save my life. Hell, my boyfriend has even told me we would always be in a relationship until I got my act together and became a neat person. To this DAY I'm still a mess. Either:

A) I don't want to get married or

B) I'm just naturally a messy, chaotic person and I can help it as much as I can avoid cheese.

For those of you who don't know me: Cheese= the reason I'm not a vegan.

To be completely and utterly honest, I'm not sure if it is A or B. Marriage is such a big decision and I don't know if I'm ready for it.

But wait! Before you all cry, "But you have a baby!" I want you to remember this: He was unplanned. You PLAN a marriage. You don't wake up one morning with a groggy memory of a chapel, a white dress, and a marriage certificate. Unless, of course, you're Britney Spears.

Getting married is a much bigger thing than I think it is and it scares me. It terrifies me. Marriage is so big I can't even comprehend the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone. It's almost the same way I think about death. Death is so final. Marriage is fairly final too, at least to me. I want to be married once, that's it. There is an enormous amount of pressure on me to get married (I feel) because I already have a child with the man I am in a relationship with, so marriage is the next step, right?

Tradition is a bunch of bullshit. Tradition says marriage, then babies. I've already done the untraditional thing by having a child out of wedlock. Why try to forge a traditional path at this point?

Like I said, I'm a mess. Bare with me on this one.